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  To my fellow filthy beasts, Robin and Monty: You are the bravest people I know. I love you.

  To my mother—ferocious, fearless, and funny. You taught me how to survive you.

  Prologue

  When I tell people stories about my mother, as I tend to do, people sometimes ask me how long she’s been gone. I think back to the spring day in 1982 when I asked her to drive me into town and she got into the car with a full glass of scotch, wearing the sunglasses that she never took off, and she chewed her nails nervously as she tried to figure out how to start the engine.

  And I remember years later when I called her condo in Florida because I hadn’t heard from her in a while, and she said “I call you every week,” and I said “No you don’t,” and she said “I leave a message at your dorm,” and I said “I have a phone in my room,” and she said “Is your math class getting any better,” and I said “I’m not in boarding school anymore. I went to college this year.”

  And I remember the day, a year before she died, when I put down the phone after speaking with her, and that familiar tornado of sadness—a panic attack, really, that always started as a pinprick in my gut and swirled like a funnel cloud before traveling up my stomach and into my throat, where it swallowed my words until I hacked it out in heaving sobs—lost its power and I didn’t cry for her anymore.

  And I remember it was a hot June day in Bermuda when my younger brother Monty and I flew in from opposite ends of the Eastern Seaboard to join our older brother Robin and our stepfather by her bedside to say goodbye. I leaned over her bed, the only one of the assembled capable of being face-to-face with her at the end, and asked “Are you scared?” as three nurses scurried around her, one to pull out the breathing tube, one to administer the morphine, and one to shut off the machines. And I remember that she looked up at me with her bright green eyes, the only part of her body that hadn’t fallen apart, and shook her head dismissively—as if I had just asked if she wanted a cup of tea.

  And I remember the day, a few days after my mother stopped breathing, when my brothers and I were eating lunch with my stepfather overlooking a private beach at Castle Harbor. The sun was warm, and the salty sea breeze was blowing up the corner of my white linen napkin in a way that made me think it was waving at me. In the distance the whitecaps hit the top of the reefs and broke apart so that the low waves came in lazily and lapped up gently onto the pink beach. And I closed my eyes and smiled, and for a moment the anxiety and sadness of the past twenty-five years was gone.

  But then the tornado swirled up again, stronger this time—and I turned to Robin and told him that I didn’t feel well and was going to the bathroom. But his eyes met mine and he blurted out “What’s wrong?” as the sides of his mouth dipped and he shifted in his seat. He looked like a little boy whose blanket had been snatched away. And Monty, who had been laughing the second before, stopped and looked at me, and then at Robin, and became quiet. So I swallowed hard, looked at my brothers reassuringly, and settled back into my seat, knowing that it wasn’t my turn to cry yet. “I’m okay, just a little hot. Nothing’s wrong,” I said.

  Part I

  Chapter 1

  I remember them laughing.

  I was a four-year-old boy dressed in a pink halter top and miniskirt with pearls and heels, a cardboard “Gay Liberation” sign hanging around my neck. I wasn’t sure what to make of the laughter. I was making people happy, but it seemed like their sharp cackles betrayed something other than joy. It was the first time that I had been the subject of adult laughter, and there was something sinister about it. The laughter spiked when I wiggled my hips as instructed, making it difficult to stay balanced on my mother’s two-inch heels. My seven-year-old brother, Robin, wearing a dark suit, his hair combed down like a Wall Street banker’s, walked beside me. My mother laughed the loudest.

  It was the annual Labor Day skit at our Adirondack hunting and fishing club. More than a hundred people lined both sides of the enormous main room of the clubhouse to watch individual family camps perform cute skits using props like deer antlers and fishing rods. Puns like “there’s something fishy going on” or “that was unbearable” accompanied lighthearted stories acted out by loving parents who swam after their kids in fake trout fins or chased them draped in grizzly pelts.

  Earlier, at our family’s camp, my mother had kneeled down to dress me, giggling like a naughty schoolgirl. My father rifled through his closet, trying to find a necktie that would fit my older brother.

  “But I don’t want to,” I kept saying.

  “Oh, hush,” my mother said. “It will be fun.”

  I was bouncing up and down and twisting my body back and forth.

  “Hold still, Kirkland,” she said, her giggles elevating, “you’re going to lose your—oh my God—you’re going to lose your top! Bobby, you’ve got to come in here!”

  “There’s my pretty little boy,” my father said as he walked into the bathroom.

  “I’m not pretty!” I yelled.

  “You look like a hooker,” my father told me proudly.

  “His boob’s sticking out!” my mother cried.

  “It’s not funny!” I said, stamping my foot, yet at the same time cracking a tentative smile. I didn’t know what “gay liberation” meant. But on some level I knew that I had been chosen over Robin to be “the girl.” It felt like a warning, and a little bit of a punishment, and I sensed the injustice of being made a prop for my mother’s amusement. But I delighted in how happy it made her.

  * * *

  MY MOTHER WAS BEAUTIFUL. Most people are understandably dubious of this claim, probably assuming that as a son, I see her how I want to see her. But she was beautiful, indisputably. People compared her to Grace Kelly and Candice Bergen, but it was the comparisons to Jackie Kennedy Onassis that she liked the best.

  Even as her son, I was as in awe of her as the rest of the world seemed to be. I appreciated how the expression of her beauty changed with her moods, how her bright green eyes sparkled innocently when she was telling a funny story, or held somebody’s gaze as she listened to them. She had fair skin and naturally blond, shoulder-length hair that fell in wisps in front of her eyes or from behind her ears in endless variations. Her smile was lit from a source deep inside of her, candid and genuine, so it was easy for me to tell when she was faking one. Her high cheekbones didn’t lift, the smile looked more like a scowl, but it was the eyes that gave her away. I always knew how my mother felt by looking into her eyes.

  My father was not lit from the inside. He would have been considered cosmetically good-looking, with dark curly hair and dimpled cheeks. He had the kind of aristocratic frame that was both athletic and sexless, like many men of his ilk, a blank canvas onto which was painted Nantucket-red pants, Gucci loafers, and nondescript button-down, short-sleeve shirts.

  His side of the family was pure white-Anglo-Saxon-protestant, Mayflower-descendant, white-butler rich. The butler’s name was Eugene, and in my memory he wore a tuxedo all day long, but it might have just been a suit. We had many portraits of bygone relatives hanging throughout our house—one of my great-grandfather looking like Teddy Roosevelt, reading studiously with pince nez hanging off his nose, and a second great-grandfather in a suit standing upright with a cane, both men humorless, and commanding. Per
haps the painting of my grandfather, showing him looking relaxed behind the helm of one of his three yachts, is telling of the family fortune that would be lost under his watch. My parents and one of his many girlfriends were usually the only guests included on my grandfather’s yachting trips up the Maine coast every summer (he left my grandmother at home).

  We lived in Cedarhurst, a quiet Long Island suburb, on a dead-end street lined with enormous maple and oak trees that created a protective canopy over the neighborhood. Three homes made up our family compound. The three-story, four-thousand-square-foot house we lived in had been a wedding present from my father’s parents. On one side of us was my great-aunt Peg’s house, a thirteen-thousand-square-foot mansion called “Lauderdale,” that my great-grandfather Henry Hobart Porter had built in the late 1800s. On the other side lived Peg’s son, Seton (named after another ancestor, Mother Seton), and his family. I asked my aunt once if my grandmother’s middle name, Delano, indicated any relation to FDR. She scowled and said, “Grandfather never liked to talk about that cousin. He was a Democrat.”

  On the weekends, my grandfather would host us for dinner at the Long Island Rockaway Hunting Club that was just down the street from our house, where we would order steaks (“Pittsburgh rare”—meaning seared on both sides and raw in the middle) with insider names like Delmonico and Porterhouse. The adults would greet the club staff as if they were family. The club had a gaming room with multiple backgammon boards (you only played for money) surrounded by framed photos of the past club presidents, my grandfather and great-grandfather included. There were men’s-only bars that smelled of cigars and scotch. The club logo was a fox surrounded by guns and golf clubs assembled together to look like the crest of some English earl’s estate. The fox hunting part of the club had ceased long before I was born, but the name remained, ensuring that people knew we were the type of people who would dress in red, mount thoroughbred horses, and follow screeching hounds chasing a fox to its death if we still could. Breakfast at the club had only two items, runny eggs and crisp bacon. Being rich back then meant that you could have anything you wanted, but you limited choices to ensure that the new rich people who wanted omelet stations and bottomless mimosas would never even try to join. Whenever we drove to the clubhouse, we passed the rows and rows of grass tennis courts. Occasionally there would be two women who looked to be the same age as my mother playing on the court closest to the clubhouse, in their short white skirts and frilly underwear.

  By the time my parents married, my father’s family had secured a seemingly permanent foothold in society’s upper echelons. They owned Park Avenue apartments and second homes right outside the city. They drank a lot. They often didn’t have jobs and the ones they did have they didn’t need. They cheated on their wives with the wives of their closest friends.

  My father was the youngest of four (the next oldest was ten years his senior) and the only boy. His parents didn’t think child care had anything to do with them, so the nannies and kitchen staff looked after him until he went to boarding school when he was seven. He saw his parents on school vacations, if they happened to be in the country, and was expected to dress for breakfast in jacket and tie when they were in town.

  My grandfather went to Yale, served on the boards of Pan American Airways and the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company, and was the president of my great-grandfather’s engineering company. My father wasn’t a strong student, which is what one says about spoiled offspring who don’t feel like they have to work at anything. He would not have been accepted to Yale even in the days when the progeny of graduates were almost guaranteed admission. So he was encouraged by his father to bypass higher education altogether. “Not to worry,” my grandfather told him. “The only reason people go to college is to get a job, to make money. And you will never have to worry about money.” Knowing my father as I do now, I imagine he was relieved to find that there was no expectation that he should live up to his father’s success, and that he could instead skip straight to living the life that had already been earned for him. But first, he had to find the right partner.

  My mother was from a working-class family in Bermuda, born to a stay-at-home English mother and a Scottish father who worked as a traveling hardware salesman. My mother rarely talked about her life before my father, but when she did I was left with the impression that she was concealing an undisclosed wound, deep enough to want to escape into my father’s far more complicated world. I have a vague memory of once seeing my grandfather standing near his company van, the open double doors revealing an assortment of hanging tools, containers full of nails and screws, and various prepackaged boxes. I remember feeling loneliness on his behalf, thinking of him driving to new neighborhoods in his van, knocking on strangers’ doors, trying to sell them products for which they hadn’t asked. I equated what he did with some character in an old movie who was turned away time and again, each scene ending with a door shut in his face and a slow, dejected walk back to the van. Like a lot of the impressions I formed when I was younger, this one resembled nothing of his actual experience. I’ve since learned he knew his customers well. They requested not only the items he brought to them but his expertise in using them.

  My mother had one sister, Gail, who was four years older. According to my mother, Gail was jealous of my mother’s beauty, her popularity, and her relationship with their father—and their mother took Gail’s side in disputes, at the expense of fairness, to balance out the deficit. My mother told us that her father was the only one who ever stood up for her, although I can’t imagine she received more than the occasional stoic grunt that she interpreted as support.

  My mother’s younger brother, Derek, was absent from the early versions of my mother’s narrative. My grandparents adopted him as a baby, but at seventeen years old he was kicked out of their house for unknown crimes and sent to England. When I first heard about Derek, I remember thinking his adopted status explained the seeming ease with which they erased him from their lives. When I was older, I began to question my mother more about him, needing to understand what he could have done that would justify total banishment. She refused to talk about it, saying only that she had loved him and felt protective of him when they were growing up, but she never wanted to see him again. Derek died in England in his forties, possibly of a drug overdose—my mother wasn’t sure.

  My mother met my father in the spring of 1963, when she was nineteen and he was twenty-three. He had brought five of his closest friends to stay at his parents’ vacation home in Bermuda for a last hurrah before they all enlisted to fight in Vietnam. (Apparently my father had suggested to his friends that enlisting early would ensure that they would get in and out of the war before the worst of the fighting began; he wasn’t the type of person to be moved by patriotism.)

  My father asked a girl he knew to round up five of her friends, one of whom was my mother, and the group spent the entire week together—most likely at various social occasions held at the exclusive Mid Ocean Club in Tucker’s Town, to which my father’s family belonged. The club was right across from their house, “Happy Days,” which overlooked Tucker’s Town Bay. In the early sixties, the only way to access Tucker’s Town was through a gate manned twenty-four hours a day, even though most of the development was on public land. When I was young, we would drive up and the gatekeeper would open the gate without knowing who we were or why we were there, presumably because we looked like we belonged.

  My father told us that he and his friends were all captivated with my mother. Only he was able to return to the island to claim her after being rejected from the army for flat feet and a bad back. They were engaged within six months and married soon thereafter, a union welcomed by both sets of parents. My mother’s beauty and exotic heritage and my father’s pedigree checked everyone’s boxes. A year after that, when my mother was twenty-one years old and my father was twenty-five, my mother gave birth to my older brother, Robin. I was born two and a half years later.

  * * *


  THE FIRST SIX YEARS OF my life followed the path predestined by the social stratum that I was born into. In my father’s family, children were to be seen and not heard, and should any of us exhibit a malfunction, servants whisked us away to sort it out. My father was not interested in the intricacies of our emotional lives, in the same way that his parents had not been interested in his.

  My mother was more conflicted. Not having come from my father’s world, and having been so young when she entered it, she was simultaneously unfamiliar with the ways of the New York social elite and easily influenced by them. She integrated seamlessly with my father’s friends, charming the women and captivating the men. My mother had a way of seeming vulnerable and impenetrable at the same time, a quality that made people feel protective of her. “There was something so innocent about your mother,” a friend of my parents said later, “and yet you always had the feeling that there was so much more going on beneath the surface. It was a very appealing combination.”

  For the most part, the ease with which she acclimated to her new life, guided by the grounding that her old life provided, allowed her to be open and very much herself in a context where many others were trying to be something more. And yet there were times, most often around older women she admired or feared, when she changed in a way that she never did with men, no matter how powerful or intimidating. I was four years old when I met this formal version of my mother. She was sitting up straight on one of the floral armchairs in the living room we never used. When my older brother and I arrived at the door, escorted by our nanny, my mother opened her left arm theatrically and summoned us forward with a big fake smile and an exaggerated “Come here, darlings.” My mother never called us “darling” when we were young, and her summons made me wary of the woman in the room. To my mother, I was always “Cuzzy wuzzy” or “Cuzzy iz” because I craved her affection and snuggled up next to her at every opportunity. Robin was “Robinski”—an ethnic version of his name meant to highlight how proudly ethnic we weren’t.